Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Breaking news: Heat retire four more numbers

Dodododoododdoddo (this is the sound of the wire for you non reporter people): The Miami heat have decided to retire four more numbers today.

Number 69: Obvious

Number 99: To honor the contribution of Wayne Gretzky to the heat organization.

Number 3: To honor the contribution of Dale Sr. and to hopefully make the rednecks of south Florida attend the games and take pictures of the jersey.

Number 6: Muhammad Ali once counted to the number six (obviously Pre-Parkinson's)

Monday, March 30, 2009

New Design for NYC's Freedom Tower Revealed

Ladies and Gentlemen, feast your eyes upon the glory of what will become a symbol of America's Pride and ongoing perserverance against GDT's*. The 150 story "Tower of Dwight" will rise above the skyline of New York City with the prowess that Dwight Howard shows on the basketball court! Gaze upon the mighty of Dwight! See how his outstretched arm reaches high into the sky! Any of you GDT's that want to hijack a plane from our beloved airports and use it against us, BEWARE! Like Dwight's ability to send Paul Pierce's shot into the stands so too will the north 'arm' tower reject your feeble attempt to turrurrize us! Take note GDT's! America! Fuck Yeah!

And, you may be wondering to yourself...you know, it IS New York City after all...where is the Knicks' beloved shot blocker, Patrick Ewing? Well, just ask my father, Stan Van Gundy, why New York might not want Patrick Chewing.

Although, after this video...I almost hope they build a 'twin' tower near Dwight:




God bless you Patrick Chewing, God bless Dwight Howard's Dunks, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!



*God Damned Turrorists

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Euro talk with the Polish Hammer

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Euro talk thanks for joining me. You might have noticed, my playing time has been up this year. You are probably asking yourself...what can I do to become a better player, a better person...I want to be just like Gortat, he has it all together. Well, I haven't always been this way. I languished in Europe for many years, then when I got my big break, I found the true source of all my power. And the good news, you can tap into that power also. You are probably asking yourself, what is this strange power that Gortat speaks of?? I have noticed that he has been dominating on the court...sometimes I can't even tell if it is Howard or Gortat out there. Well...here it is:
Now you're probably saying what the fuck gortat, its a dragon?? Well, you are right. All of my powers come from a place called the dragon room. Having a bad day dragon room. Want some tight asian pussy? Dragon room. Need to blow off some steam cause your coach is screaming at you? Dragon room. Want to make fun of Turk because he's becoming a fat ass? Dragon room. Before, I would go home and jerk off into my pillow. Now I just head straight to the dragon room after every game. The key is, you have to be there all the time. The power of the dragon is really only truly understood by the asians, and I can never understand what the fuck they are talking about. All I know is those asians can drink and they never age. It has to be the power of the dragon. It energizes me and makes me play like Dwight. So please meet me down there and if you see me please buy me a drink...trust me, you'll feel better.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I don't want to sound gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), but if he was doing this ON me, I would probably let him.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Big Game Analysis by the Catman

It is with great pleasure that I welcome our first guest to the blog for our very first interview in the black hole, with none other than the man the blog was named after, the man that started it all....Terry Catledge.

DST: Welcome Terry, thanks for joining us today.


Catman: Uh, yes...you guys are crazy. What's dis about?

DST: Well, we just wanted to get your thoughts on the big showdown tonight between Boston and Orlando and your thoughts on the keys to victory for the Magic.
Catman: Uh, yes...I can't speak for the guys that are playing now, but what I can do is take you through my pregame routine back in the days when I was pump faking dat shit all over the place.

DST: Ok....

Catman: 6:00AM, Wake up on game day, bang a bitch out, then tell her she means nothing to me.

7:00 AM, Call Shaq, taunt him about how he wanted number 33 and he was never going to get it cause dat shit will be hanging from the rafters.

8:00 - 12:00, Go back to sleep, dream about pump faking the ball up a bitches ass. And I don't mean just pump faking it, I really think about sticking the ball up their ass, you know 2 girls one cup style.

DST: So you can control your dreams....interesting...please continue.

Catman: 1:00, Wake up only because that bastard Guokas wanted us to shoot around. Usually Skiles would try to pick a fight with me at shoot around but I just told dat white boy to shut the hell up or I would pump fake his mother (he knew what dat meant). Den, Guokas would start dat shit about how he won a championship and we should listen to him.
DST: And then...

Catman: 4:00, after shoot around I would bang a bitch, then let loose some of that catman.

DST: I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Catman: You know, load it up...drop dat pump...boatload of blarney??
DST: Um, no.
Catman: 7:00, Game time bitches, the pump fakes and glory holes are on. You know that my shot was never blocked, ever. No other NBA player can claim that.
DST: Well...thank you catman, any words of advice for the Magic tonight?
Catman: Let loose some of that catman on Paul Pierce's ass!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

For Heaven's Sake, There's Children Watching!


The best thing about sports games is when sportscasters use phrases that can be misconstrued as sexual innuendo. I know, I know...you're saying, "No its not...I enjoy the thrill of the game!" Well, that's because your a stupid moron. You're the kind of person that looks at the above picture and says, "Oh look! A picture of Magic Television broadcaster David Steele!" And that's because you're gay. But why is our beloved broadcaster interviewing someone who would rather have something besides a microphone in her face?

Well, that's because he's a smut peddler. The filth that spews out of his mouth sometimes is disturbing. Add to that Matty Goukas and its like I'm watching a snuff film!

Case in point: Last nights win over the New York Knicks after being down all of the game, giving David "Porno-mouth" Steele and Matt "I'll put it anywhere" Goukas the chance to say this gem over and over all night:

"They really came from behind tonight!"

"It looked like they were gonna come, and come, and finally...they came from behind."

Good lord, guys. Let's have a little couth. Add to that the Magic's backcourt defense problems and you have these poopoo mouths yelling:

"Oh, he took it right up the middle!"

"Boy, he exploded up the middle that time, didn't he Matt?"

"Let's go find a hooker in Times Square after this!"

I can't really confirm that last comment...but hey, we don't here them during the commercials.

Let's make this a threesome

Hello girls, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Goose....... and I'm here to sexify this blog. Let's get right down to it baby, I ain't got much time.



Here are my turn-ons; Chip Carey's voice, Corey Maggette's chisled body...mmmmmm, smooth jumpers, 41 points in the championship game, swimming pools and private basketball lessons. And especially acquittals.


As for my turn-offs, here we go; shooting slumps, the DeVos family, adult woman, rejection, age of consent laws, and snitches.

So there it is girls, let me teach you some penetration drills and then we'll cool off in that refereshing pool over there. Nobody needs to know. It's our secret.....

"That's all the time I need to stink up the Garden..."



HEDO: [snorrrre] [mumbles in sleep] mrmr...one shot...done for night...stinky sleep



STAN: HEDO, WAKE UPPPP!!! WAKE UP, YOU STINKY BASTARD!!!

HEDO: [snort] Wha--? 36 more minutes to slee-- [snore]



STAN: DAMNIT HEDO, WAKE UP!




HEDO: zzz....turkey...glue stick...hamburgers...zzz



STAN: Oh this is just great.



VA-JAY JAY: Coach, put me in! I'm ready!

STAN: Who the hell are you?

VA-JAY JAY: Coach, its me, JJ--

[Stan punches Va-Jay Jay in face]

HEDO: [snort] Wha-- 24 more minutes to sleep...zzzzzz....[snore]

STAN: WAKE UUUUPPPP!!!!!

HEDO: zzzz...new baby new baby new baby...zzzz...

STAN: HEDO WE ARE LOSING TO THE NEW YORK KNICKS! WAKE UP!!!




VA-JAY JAY: Look coach, I'm in Blue Man Group!

STAN: GODDAMMIT, SOMEBODY GET THIS SPIKY HAIRED BASTARD OUT OF HERE BEFORE I---


HEDO: [snort] mrmrm...oh, 6 minutes left to wake up...[yawn]... ok, I'm up! Stinky time!

STAN: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU WAIT TIL 6 MINUTES LEFT TO WAKE UP!?

HEDO: That's all the time I need to stink up the Garden.

[12 points later]

HEDO: See coach? I just need to show up at the end of the game and I--

[Stan punches Hedo in face]




Monday, March 23, 2009

People I Hate Volume 1

I will never ever ever forgive this classless piece of shit for leaving. Fuck faced bastard. Please keep eating yourself into retirement. Most players wait until they are retired to fat up you douche bag (see Charles Barkley and Magic Johnson). I guess you have been swallowing too much man juice to regulate your weight. Choke on it bitch.


The man, behind the man, behind the man

2nd post...let it be known that the tattoo that Dennis Scott has is of his father! Leave it alone.

Welcome to Orlando Magic-land, bitches!