Finals Prep Sheet: How to get GAY with LA!

Hell-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO everybodyyyyy!!!!!! Being in the Finalth ith enough to make me SSSTHIIIIIIINNNNG!!!! Laaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaa laaaaa laaaaaa!!!!

Now lithen up! Let me thow you HOW TO GET GAY WITH LA! It worked for me! Lamar took a little convinthing...

But now Lamar ith all on board...tho I will demonthrate on hith ath. Come here thugarbritcheth! Firtht, you thart with a gentle rub on your favorite player'th ath. Oh...yeth! Lamar you been workin' out? I'm jutht kiddin'...I know you been workin' out.

Thee guyth, thath jutht thtep one! Now ith on to full fledged kith! You juth pull your fellow Laker player up clothe to you...and...[smooch]. Man, nothing geth me ready to thlam dunk than a nithe little pre-game kith. Luke! You want thome a dith? I thee you back there! Thorry, but once you go black you never go back! Don't you worry...cawth I got thomthin for you!

Yeah, thath it Luke. Juth let it happen. Don't rethitht it! You want to be able to thlam dunk over Rathard Lewith? Well, get ready...cause right now you between a rock and a hardplace they ain't gonna let you go! Your gonna have to fight your way out of that manwich! Fight hard, baby...fight HAAARD!

Well, I hope you enjoyed my tipth on how to get gay with LA. Whew, I am tho tired! Wait a thecond! An MVP doethn't get tired! You thee Lebron? When the going geth tough, and you think your teammates aren't giving enough to back you up? Even if your leggth give out on you at the end of the game? Thometimeth...you juth...got to...give them a little bit, too.

Oh yeah, witneth that!

Lebron is the King of Crap City!

Yeah, that's right...that's Stuff crrrrapping on your head Lebron. So how do the fair cities of Cleveland and Orlando match up? Let's take a look:

First lets take a look at the actual city...each has a beautiful lake.

Cleveland:

Behold the wondrous beauty of Lake Erie! Honestly, the smell coming off this place makes my bathroom here at work seem like a field of fresh lillies.


Orlando:

Now THIS is a lake...just look at the beauty of the City Beautiful! See that bird? It decided to live here because it knows how pretty it would look in the foreground of Lake Eola pictures.

(not pictured: jogger raping bums)


Now on to landmarks!

Cleveland:

Yay...The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! Yep, it's kind of cool. Its home to tons of cool rock music memorabilia. But your city can't be to great when the first thing people say about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is, "Why is it in Cleveland?"

Test: Go mention the RNR Hall to anyone...if they don't ask that previous question, I'll stop having sex with your mom. Well, maybe just for the week.


Orlando:

While I usually like to separate Orlando as a city from Disney World...for the sake of showing how much Cleveland sucks sweaty giraffe balls...there is no comparison. Point, Orlando.


How about other sports?

Cleveland:

There is a reason they are named the Browns. Because they are Shit. A few of the players mothers took offense when the NFL was invented and they wanted to call them the Cleveland Shits. I don't blame them. I love mothers. Cleveland also has the distinction of being the only NFL club to never host a Super Bowl, or even be in one. Cleveland Underwear Stains.


Orlando:

Umm...


So, moving on to our next category! TV shows based in each city:

Cleveland:

Yes, the once funny Drew Carrey Show was based in Crap City, Ohio. I will find fault in the show for giving us Mimi Bobek. Not because I find her ugly. Because one time while getting a chubby for Christa Miller's Kate O'brien, Mimi busted into the room. My boner is still pissed off.

Orlando:

One of the most underrated shows ever. I loved this show growing up. I was never more excited than when I heard that for the 1995 season, Coach would be moving to Orlando, FL to start up the new NFL team...The Orlando Breakers! I'm not saying that the Orlando season killed the show, but the Orlando season killed the show. Damn, I'm gonna have to pull the "Hey, Dude" card...


Let's take a look at namesakes:

Cleveland:

Family Guy's Cleveland Brown. Meh...


Orlando:

Before you call me gay (which you probably already have about 37 times while reading this), look at your last paycheck. Now multiply that by 7 million. Now add a hot model girlfriend. Now go ask your wife if she'd rather have sex with this stud than your pasty, fat ass. That's the power of Orlando Bloom.

...And finally, what famous people hail from each city?

Cleveland:

Beloved actor Hal Holbrook. Great actor. Looks like Yoda. Good job Cleveland, producing ugly people for years!


Orlando:

Supermodel Giselle! What? She's not from Orlando? Well guess what?! I know for a fact that she's been to Orlando before! There's no way she'd spend 5 minutes in that shit hole of a city in Ohio! Cleveland, you are America's Armpit!!!!

Hey Boston, we made this just for you!

Dear Celtics,

Here you go...this is for you. We thought you might like it. We know, we know...why would we just 'hand it over'? We just wanted to give it to you. Yep, for free. You don't even have to fight for it! I mean, you REALLY don't have to fight for it. But we guess you figured you wouldn't have to fight for it. Please, enjoy this gift from us. For some reason, we thought you would like to have it more than us.

Sincerely,
The Orlando Magic

New Design for NYC's Freedom Tower Revealed

Ladies and Gentlemen, feast your eyes upon the glory of what will become a symbol of America's Pride and ongoing perserverance against GDT's*. The 150 story "Tower of Dwight" will rise above the skyline of New York City with the prowess that Dwight Howard shows on the basketball court! Gaze upon the mighty of Dwight! See how his outstretched arm reaches high into the sky! Any of you GDT's that want to hijack a plane from our beloved airports and use it against us, BEWARE! Like Dwight's ability to send Paul Pierce's shot into the stands so too will the north 'arm' tower reject your feeble attempt to turrurrize us! Take note GDT's! America! Fuck Yeah!

And, you may be wondering to yourself...you know, it IS New York City after all...where is the Knicks' beloved shot blocker, Patrick Ewing? Well, just ask my father, Stan Van Gundy, why New York might not want Patrick Chewing.

Although, after this video...I almost hope they build a 'twin' tower near Dwight:

God bless you Patrick Chewing, God bless Dwight Howard's Dunks, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!



*God Damned Turrorists

For Heaven's Sake, There's Children Watching!

The best thing about sports games is when sportscasters use phrases that can be misconstrued as sexual innuendo. I know, I know...you're saying, "No its not...I enjoy the thrill of the game!" Well, that's because your a stupid moron. You're the kind of person that looks at the above picture and says, "Oh look! A picture of Magic Television broadcaster David Steele!" And that's because you're gay. But why is our beloved broadcaster interviewing someone who would rather have something besides a microphone in her face?

Well, that's because he's a smut peddler. The filth that spews out of his mouth sometimes is disturbing. Add to that Matty Goukas and its like I'm watching a snuff film!

Case in point: Last nights win over the New York Knicks after being down all of the game, giving David "Porno-mouth" Steele and Matt "I'll put it anywhere" Goukas the chance to say this gem over and over all night:

"They really came from behind tonight!"

"It looked like they were gonna come, and come, and finally...they came from behind."

Good lord, guys. Let's have a little couth. Add to that the Magic's backcourt defense problems and you have these poopoo mouths yelling:

"Oh, he took it right up the middle!"

"Boy, he exploded up the middle that time, didn't he Matt?"

"Let's go find a hooker in Times Square after this!"

I can't really confirm that last comment...but hey, we don't here them during the commercials.