Calm Down...

From ESPN.com:

"I heal like a young guy so I'll be good tomorrow," Carter said after sitting out the second half. "Hopefully, I'll be back Sunday. We're going to be smart about it. It's a long season. I'm feeling better now that I am walking on it."

Carter spent the second half in the trainers' room and had his ankle wrapped. X-rays were negative.

From SonOfStan.com (not really a website):

We still won. We still don't have Rashard back. It's the beginning of the season. The Magic are still going to bang your mom. And her X-rays will be positive...for a ravaging from Brandon Bass's gigantic d*#@. Yayuh.

Too much, the Magic Bus

If I get a new one of these after every game, its going to be an awesome season...

Spoke Too Soon...

Son of a bitch.

Fuck.

DAMMMNNNIT!!!

Nick, I love you...BUT GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE BUILDING WHEN THERE'S 5 MINUTES LEFT IN ANY GAME!!!!!

CURSED

STINKY CURSED

End Of The Drought...

Finally, after about 15 years, we can shut the door on the Curse. After Courtney Lee's Game 2 Miss At The Buzzer brought back all the memories of Nick the Quick's 4 Missed Free Throws (thanks to SportsCenter-you assholes), The Magics finally won a game in the NBA Finals. Eat a dick, Kobe. Eat all the dicks.

Speaking of eating dicks...YOU Jimmy Kimmel! You and Kobe can take turns eating ALL OF THEM! Last night, Jimmy had Magic Johnson on the show...

Kimmel:

"Whoever you're rooting for...can we agree that there's never been a worse name
for a professional sports team than the Magic? Not that the Lakers are
anything to brag about but at least a lake you can drown in, at least
there's some fear there. The Magic, why not just call them the Orlando Balloon Animals?"

Johnson:

"[cackle, cackle, HIV, cackle]"

Umm...Magic Johnson? Why are you laughing? THAT'S YOUR NICKNAME, TOO, YOU IDIOT! Although "Balloon Animal" Johnson may have been a better nickname for him. I'm sure after finding out that he cheated on her (seems to be a running theme with Lakers players, natch!) Magic's wife probably tied his dick in knots.

A better joke would have been:

Kimmel:

"Hey Magic Johnson, did you know that you're talk show sucked balls?"

Audience:

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

All I'm saying is that there's worse pro team names out there. And at least the Magic actually has something to do with Orlando. LA stole a team from Minneapolis but kept the name. I guess they were apprehensive about calling themselves the LA CheatOnWivers (haha...now that is some comedy gold! Beat that, Kimmel!).

"There's Plenty Of Lebron For The Both Of You..."

MARV: Welcome everyone to the NBA on TNT! I'm Marv Albert here live from Cleveland with Cheryl Lewis' little sister...

REGGIE: Umm...Marv, I'm her little brother.

MARV: 'HER'??? That behemoth is a woman? You're a boy? Well I haven't seen this much much cross-dressing since...well, I can't think of a time.

REGGIE: I think everyone else can think of a time, Marv.

MARV: I'm sorry Reggie, I don't know what you're talking about...But anyway, we're all set for tonights game between some team from Disney World...and THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS, THE TEAM OF LEBRON JAMES!!! YESSSSSS, LEBRON JAMES!!! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MORE WELL PUT TOGETHER PLAYER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE NBA??? LEBRON MAY VERY WELL PUT THIS GAME AWAY WITH HIS SHEAR WILL!!!

REGGIE: Uh, Marv, yeah...Lebron is pretty good-

MARV: Pretty good? JUST PRETTY GOOD?!? Look you little dong gobbler, Lebron is a GOD!!! Can't you just IMAGINE what that body looks like in the shower?

REGGIE: Whooaa...ok let's, uh, take a look at the pre-game stats-

MARV: Yessss! The stats! As we all know, Lebron is down 3 games to 1 going into tonight's game. But you can see in his eyes...those beautiful, piercing eyes that seem as if they're staring right into your soul and saying, "hey you...get ready to be entered..."

REGGIE: Marv, are you ok, man?

MARV: Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? I'm just here commentating on an NBA basketball game like I've done all my career! What are you doing? YESSSSS!!! AND IT COUNTS!!!

REGGIE: Marv, the game hasn't even started yet-

MARV: It doesn't matter! Because as soon as Lebron James, the most unstoppable human in basketball steps onto the court-


--Pssssssssst...Hey Maaarvvv!!!!

MARV: Wha? Oh. My. God.


LEBRON: Hey Marv-baby, check out this chest! MUAH!! [blows Marv a kiss]

MARV: [catching kiss and clutching to his heart] AAARRROOOOGAAAH!!!

REGGIE: What the hell is going on?

MARV: And, now coming onto the court-and hopefully me later-is Lebron James!!! Just an exquisite specimen of basketball prowess! And, YESSSSS!! The Lebron James wins the game!!!

REGGIE: Marv, the game hasn't even started yet!

MARV: Lebron! Lebron! Over here, King!!! How about a pre-game interview!!! Oh my God I need you so bad!!! You are so great!!!!

--Hey Lebron, is this guy bothering you?

JOEY CRAWFORD: -Cause I can have him removed...then it will be just you and me...together...

LEBRON: It's ok Joey, he can stay...there's plenty of Lebron for the both of you... MUAH!

JOEY: Oh, Lebron...tonight, it won't just be the whistle I'll be blowing!

LEBRON: Thanks, Joey...I'm gonna get a flagrant foul on your ass!

JOEY: No worries...I'm not gonna call it. I'm not gonna call ANYTHING!!!

Hey Boston, we made this just for you!

Dear Celtics,

Here you go...this is for you. We thought you might like it. We know, we know...why would we just 'hand it over'? We just wanted to give it to you. Yep, for free. You don't even have to fight for it! I mean, you REALLY don't have to fight for it. But we guess you figured you wouldn't have to fight for it. Please, enjoy this gift from us. For some reason, we thought you would like to have it more than us.

Sincerely,
The Orlando Magic

"That's all the time I need to stink up the Garden..."

HEDO: [snorrrre] [mumbles in sleep] mrmr...one shot...done for night...stinky sleep



STAN: HEDO, WAKE UPPPP!!! WAKE UP, YOU STINKY BASTARD!!!

HEDO: [snort] Wha--? 36 more minutes to slee-- [snore]

STAN: DAMNIT HEDO, WAKE UP!




HEDO: zzz....turkey...glue stick...hamburgers...zzz



STAN: Oh this is just great.

VA-JAY JAY: Coach, put me in! I'm ready!

STAN: Who the hell are you?

VA-JAY JAY: Coach, its me, JJ--

[Stan punches Va-Jay Jay in face]

HEDO: [snort] Wha-- 24 more minutes to sleep...zzzzzz....[snore]

STAN: WAKE UUUUPPPP!!!!!

HEDO: zzzz...new baby new baby new baby...zzzz...

STAN: HEDO WE ARE LOSING TO THE NEW YORK KNICKS! WAKE UP!!!

VA-JAY JAY: Look coach, I'm in Blue Man Group!

STAN: GODDAMMIT, SOMEBODY GET THIS SPIKY HAIRED BASTARD OUT OF HERE BEFORE I---

HEDO: [snort] mrmrm...oh, 6 minutes left to wake up...[yawn]... ok, I'm up! Stinky time!

STAN: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU WAIT TIL 6 MINUTES LEFT TO WAKE UP!?

HEDO: That's all the time I need to stink up the Garden.

[12 points later]

HEDO: See coach? I just need to show up at the end of the game and I--

[Stan punches Hedo in face]