Notes From The Roast Beef Corner: Gettin Sexy with Va-JJ!

[Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex U Up" plays in background]

Yo yo whaassssuuuuup, y'alls! Did you see those Finals! Holy shit, the amount of hot ass tail skyrockets when you get deep in the playoffs...and you guys know how I love to get deep! Come on, yeah! Who's with me?!

So its time for the off-season. Its summertime, baby! Don't know if you all know, but around the NBA, I'm known as the Gynecologist. You haven't heard? Man, just ask The Polish Hammer. I've stared down more vaginas than KD Lang, Mellissa Etheridge, and my idol, Dan Cortes, all put together! Man, check me out looking through the net...if you don't get that euphemism, you're like, stupid. Sometimes, when I'm staring into a vagina, it feels like I'm staring right into a woman's soul. And then I bang that soul.

I've got the women of O-town in my damn pocket! Did you hear the cheers when I came into games this season? Hell yeah! I can miss every damn shot I take, but when the Gynecologist's name is called, your girlfriend screams. In fact, if you see your girl putting an extra pair of panties in her purse on the way to a game that you paid $200 a ticket for? You can bet she'll be wanting good 'ol Va-JJ to drop a 3 pointer in her crotch.


Here's you:

Here's what your girlfriend pictures during sex:

So all you guys that hate me? I got two things to say to you. First, you can suck my dick, douche! Second, your girlfriend thinks I'm hot. Believe me, she does. With apologies to Gortat, I'm the second most recognizable player for the Magic, behind Dwight. He's got the size, but I've got the finesse...

So check out more Notes From The Roast Beef Corner next time, yo! In the next episode, learn how I'm here to "Sexy Up The Orlando Magic".

By the way Gortat...that Asian chick in Dragon Room said she is down for the threesome. Hollaback...


Peace and Duke-y grease...

Jonathon Clay Redick

"The Soul Banger"

Euro talk with the Polish Hammer

Catman's black hole was lucky enough to catch up with Gortat after the game last night:
What the fuck is going on!!!!! Ok, I've had about enough of this shit.....[slams polish sausage against random laker fan walking by]. First Reebok and those sons of bitches try to cramp my polish style and now this? Tony fucking battie? Are you kidding me! I GOT A FUCKING STANDING OVATION LAST NIGHT! Hello, Stan, can you hear me??...That is the last fucking time I sit by Rafer on the bench. [mumbles to himself...dragon drag on.. 23, shots].

Do you fuckers know how much my contract is with Reebok? Do you? They pay me in polish sausages, that's like paying a whore in condoms, yeah I need them but come on, I only need that many because I'M FUCKING GORTAT!! There is no way I cover one piece of this beautiful flesh up, NOT ONE DAMN PIECE [removes pants to reveal yardstick, points to yardstick and yells] SUCK IT REEBOK, SUCK ON THAT!!! [Stops random magic fan on street with tatto] See! we will not be denied, uncover all of your markings, let the powers that try to opress us know we will not be squashed! [Smacks magic fan in the tatto with polish sausage]. Now run free and tell everyone!!

Sunday I'm sitting right next to stan and I'm just going to keep standing up reminding him of my stading ovation. Thank god the game is sunday night so I can hit some asian ass in between now and then. Asians love the weekend....and they love big noses. [drifs off for a second while smiling and mumbling...fish, love, dragon, 23, shots] AHHHHH! I WANT TO CRUSH THAT FUCKING GASOL!!! God, i thought Turk smelled bad. [Runs down the street towards dragon room screaming] A STANDING FUCKING OVATION!!! FUCK YOU REEBOK!!!

Spoke Too Soon...

Son of a bitch.

Fuck.

DAMMMNNNIT!!!

Nick, I love you...BUT GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE BUILDING WHEN THERE'S 5 MINUTES LEFT IN ANY GAME!!!!!

CURSED

STINKY CURSED

End Of The Drought...

Finally, after about 15 years, we can shut the door on the Curse. After Courtney Lee's Game 2 Miss At The Buzzer brought back all the memories of Nick the Quick's 4 Missed Free Throws (thanks to SportsCenter-you assholes), The Magics finally won a game in the NBA Finals. Eat a dick, Kobe. Eat all the dicks.

Speaking of eating dicks...YOU Jimmy Kimmel! You and Kobe can take turns eating ALL OF THEM! Last night, Jimmy had Magic Johnson on the show...

Kimmel:

"Whoever you're rooting for...can we agree that there's never been a worse name
for a professional sports team than the Magic? Not that the Lakers are
anything to brag about but at least a lake you can drown in, at least
there's some fear there. The Magic, why not just call them the Orlando Balloon Animals?"

Johnson:

"[cackle, cackle, HIV, cackle]"

Umm...Magic Johnson? Why are you laughing? THAT'S YOUR NICKNAME, TOO, YOU IDIOT! Although "Balloon Animal" Johnson may have been a better nickname for him. I'm sure after finding out that he cheated on her (seems to be a running theme with Lakers players, natch!) Magic's wife probably tied his dick in knots.

A better joke would have been:

Kimmel:

"Hey Magic Johnson, did you know that you're talk show sucked balls?"

Audience:

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

All I'm saying is that there's worse pro team names out there. And at least the Magic actually has something to do with Orlando. LA stole a team from Minneapolis but kept the name. I guess they were apprehensive about calling themselves the LA CheatOnWivers (haha...now that is some comedy gold! Beat that, Kimmel!).

I hope this pisses Dwight off as much as it does me...

From ESPN.com:

"The NBA Finals are set to tip off in just hours.

Time to pick a winner.

Sorry, Dwight. Even with Jameer, the Lakers just look too strong."

John Hollinger is just like all the other anul-ists who have been saying that the Magic did pretty good in the first 3 rounds of the playoffs, but there's no way that can continue. I think they are forgetting that they said the same thing after the Magic beat Philly. "Its the playoffs, and the Celtics are a different team than from the regular season! They are too playoff experienced!" Same thing with Cleveland..."There is no way Lebron is going to let Orlando win" yada yada yada...

We took down the defending champions (yes, they didn't have Kevin Garnett, but we didn't have Jameer). We took down the highest winning team in the league and their MVP. Now, suddenly everyone is saying this Lakers team is the best ever??? Magic Johnson is blowing Kobe Bryant and asking him what it's like to be greatest player ever???

The Orlando Magic have a message for you Magic Johnson, courtesy of long-time Magic fan Johnny Cash:

Open A Can Of This!

Finals Prep Sheet: How to get GAY with LA!

Hell-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO everybodyyyyy!!!!!! Being in the Finalth ith enough to make me SSSTHIIIIIIINNNNG!!!! Laaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaa laaaaa laaaaaa!!!!

Now lithen up! Let me thow you HOW TO GET GAY WITH LA! It worked for me! Lamar took a little convinthing...

But now Lamar ith all on board...tho I will demonthrate on hith ath. Come here thugarbritcheth! Firtht, you thart with a gentle rub on your favorite player'th ath. Oh...yeth! Lamar you been workin' out? I'm jutht kiddin'...I know you been workin' out.

Thee guyth, thath jutht thtep one! Now ith on to full fledged kith! You juth pull your fellow Laker player up clothe to you...and...[smooch]. Man, nothing geth me ready to thlam dunk than a nithe little pre-game kith. Luke! You want thome a dith? I thee you back there! Thorry, but once you go black you never go back! Don't you worry...cawth I got thomthin for you!

Yeah, thath it Luke. Juth let it happen. Don't rethitht it! You want to be able to thlam dunk over Rathard Lewith? Well, get ready...cause right now you between a rock and a hardplace they ain't gonna let you go! Your gonna have to fight your way out of that manwich! Fight hard, baby...fight HAAARD!

Well, I hope you enjoyed my tipth on how to get gay with LA. Whew, I am tho tired! Wait a thecond! An MVP doethn't get tired! You thee Lebron? When the going geth tough, and you think your teammates aren't giving enough to back you up? Even if your leggth give out on you at the end of the game? Thometimeth...you juth...got to...give them a little bit, too.

Oh yeah, witneth that!