Charlotte, N.C.-(UP1) Reports coming out of the Bobcats camp today that NBA legend and Charlotte Executive Michael Jordan craps gold!
Shortly after practice on Tuesday, Charlotte point guard Raymond Felton noticed that the team's part owner seemed a little 'queazy'. "I just finished a few layup drills when I saw Michael kind of pacing back and forth by the bleachers...[I] asked him what was wrong, cause I'm always concerned about his 'Airness'. He looked at me and he said he had to take a huge shit."
"Then he said he didn't know who I is. He don't know who any us is. He said he couldn't give a crap about this team...but it look like bout to."
Word around the locker room was that shortly after the Felton incident, Mr. Jordan was seen sneaking behind the bleachers. Some players even report that it seemed Jordan was waiting until the gym had emptied out. But, he was sorely mistaken, as SG Raja Bell saw Michael exiting from behind the bleachers zipping up his pants.
"I saw Michael come out from behind the bleachers...it looked like he just took a huge shit. I mean, you could see the smile on his face. It was a smile that said, 'I just took a huge shit!'"
Bell went on to say, "Well, I had to go see it! I worship the guy! I was going to go eat the corn out of it!"
Much to Bell's surprise (and the whole team for that matter, as he alerted them to his discovery...as well as the janitor...and a reporter...and a Make-a-Wish Kid) when he peered behind the bleachers, he found glittering amongst the bubble gum wrappers, cigarette butts, and used condoms, a robust, shiny chunk of gold poo.
"Dude, I was, like...GOLD SHIT! This bitch craps gold!? I gots to melt this shit down for my grill!"
The rumor has been furthered after reports that just before leaving for tonight's game in Boston, Jordan was seen exiting a Charlotte Jack-In-The-Box, where he promptly snuck behind the dumpster. It is not known at press time what he did back there, but after reemerging from said dumpster, five homeless men were seen scrambling to the spot.
When reached for comment, Michael Jordan had this to say:
"Yes, I crap gold. Now get out my way before I make you kiss Raja's shit mouth."
Dear Celtics,
LEBRON: Ok, here I go...walkin up to the scorers table...gonna do my signature 'chalk toss' right in front of Paul Porter---what the hell!
LEBRON: Wow, you's is high flying, my man! Now wipe this shit off my head and let's go get a beer!
Charlotte, N.C.-(UP1) Reports coming out of the Bobcats camp today that NBA legend and Charlotte Executive Michael Jordan craps gold!
Dodododoododdoddo (this is the sound of the wire for you non reporter people): The Miami heat have decided to retire four more numbers today.
Ladies and Gentlemen, feast your eyes upon the glory of what will become a symbol of America's Pride and ongoing perserverance against GDT's*. The 150 story "Tower of Dwight" will rise above the skyline of New York City with the prowess that Dwight Howard shows on the basketball court! Gaze upon the mighty of Dwight! See how his outstretched arm reaches high into the sky! Any of you GDT's that want to hijack a plane from our beloved airports and use it against us, BEWARE! Like Dwight's ability to send Paul Pierce's shot into the stands so too will the north 'arm' tower reject your feeble attempt to turrurrize us! Take note GDT's! America! Fuck Yeah!
