Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments

18. Rookie Shaquille O'Neal calls my brother "kid".

If your a sports card collector, most likely you've heard of Beckett price guides. Basically, its a $5 magazine that tells you that Danny Schayes rookie card you paid $10 for is worth $.09 (going down). Back in 1992, when the Magic drafted Shaquille O'Neal (Blue Chips, Shazaam), Beckett Basketball Monthly wanted to jump on the hype bandwagon. Without waiting for Shaq to put the uniform on himself, Beckett photoshopped Shaq's head onto the body of Terry Catledge (Rachel's, Circus Circus) since Catman shared Shaq's college number '33'. Of course, we know who won that battle...

Getting on with it...My brother and I (Ex-Girlfriend in Bathroom-Dir.) sold programs at Magic games for years. One of the perks about being in the arena before everyone else was watching the Magic Dancers warm up in their sweatpants, as well as sneaking some autographs from players when they came out to warm up.

I believe it was probably an early exhibition game when my brother (17 at the time) approached Shaq (20 at the time) and asked for an autograph on the only thing he had...a photoshopped Catman/Shaq Beckett Basketball Monthly.

"Sorry kid, I don't sign Becketts."

We lost it because this guy just called my brother that is almost the same age as him a 'kid'! HAHAHAHA!!!

What? That was a dumb story? SCREW YOU THIS IS MY TOP 20! Although, in case you were wondering, Beckett Basketball DID issue Shaq an apology for the 'fake' cover, and quickly corrected the picture back to its original:

Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments

19.


July 7, 2003...Heart and Hustle becomes Resist and Assault. Beloved point guard Darrell Armstrong gets arrested outside a downtown nightclub (no Gortat, it wasn't Dragon Room). In the scuffle he gets charged for resisting arrest and assaulting an officer. Wait! I meant a FEMALE officer! Nice one Darrell! But of course the organization is willing to work with one of the town's most favorite players and forgive him and give him a second chance---





---nope sorry Darrell. Let us know how the weather is in New Orlea---





---oh, sorry...Dallas! Nawlins sends you to Cowboy Town. Well, enjoy the steak---





---oh, wait...damnit. Traded from there too.





See Darrell, see what happens when you do that to a woman? We'll let the Polish Yardstick give you some advice:




P Hammer: Darrell, when a woman at a nightclub wants to put you in handcuffs...you say YESSS!!!! Next time, I'll take you to the Dragon Room and show you how me and VaJayJay pull in the tang.

Too much, the Magic Bus

If I get a new one of these after every game, its going to be an awesome season...

Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments

20. Mark Acres gets a DUI

In the young, fledgling years of the Orlando Magic, there wasn't much contraversy. As far as we knew, there wasn't any drug use or domestic violence...pretty much law abiding citizens. In fact, between Dave Corzine, Greg Kite, Mark Acres, and Scott Skiles, we mostly looked like a construction crew. And normally, Mark's infraction here wouldn't garner much notice, except that his DUI was the first news making law breaking for the team. In fact, if I remember correctly (which usually I don't) Mark's biggest ovation from the crowd came the game he returned after missing a couple games because of it.

What's Mark doing now? Well...this is verbatim from WikiAnswers:

Q-What does Mark Acres do now that he is retired?

A-He is a physical education teacher at J.H. Hull at Levy in Torrence,
CA.

Veon Lee: I am a 8th grader at jh hull middle school right now, and he just
made me do cardio without running today. He is very old and no one at our
school really know that he was a basketball player!

Well, Veon...rejoice now! You are learning from a piece of basketball history!

The Polish Machine discusses the offseason...it's Euro talk bitches!

Well, well, well...look who got PAYYYYYYYYYYYYID! That's right lil bitches, now I can roll like Delonte West, you know guns a blazin, wait, why would I want to be like that thug, look at this picture. What the hell is he doing? Dancing? I'm just sitting there flexing like a stud, look at my tattoo, God I'm enormous :takes shirt off: Holy crap I'm huge :realizes writers from catman are sill in the room: ok, ok, ok...this money might be getting to my head. Man I love being a NBA stud, this is the life. Here is an off season recap:

• Traveled to Poland
• Did polish girls.
• Told my agent I wanted to be paid in Polish sausages next year or just one big bar tab at Dragon room.
• Fired agent after he laughed.
• Got four more Nike tattoos....Fuck you Reebok.
• Spoke to Mark Cuban on the phone, Cuban agreed to build an arena out of sausages if I came to Dallas.
• Flew to Dallas
• Did cowgirls
• Did not see an arena full of sausages.
• Left Dallas
• Was notified that Orlando matched my offer.
• Partied with Asians at Dragon room.

Well, I have a shitload of fan mail now that people have realized the greatness of the Gortat...let me answer a few right now.

Trainwreck: (drunk)...heheheeeeeey Gortat...i love youuuuuu. :dances like a 50 year old hooker would (somehow communicated through a piece of mail):

Polish Yardstick: Hi.

JK: um, hello Marin Gortat. I'm sorry to say this, but I was completely wasted on Friday night and I think I might have hit on you. Just want to apologize if I did.

Polish Block Party: Fag.

Delonte West: Yo, gortat, lemme hit cho up for some of dat cheese biotch. I'm gansta now and gots to protects my crib ya know! Planes, trains and automobiles!

Martin Gortat: What the fuck did you just say?

Jason from Dt Orlando: Hey gorty, remember that time I saw you in 23...I had our, wait, I mean your jersey on earlier that night. oh, I wish I woulda kept it on. Love you buddy. call me!

Polish Prince: :shakes head and throws letter in trash:

Mike from Vietnam: Hi, what will you average this year.

Polish Jackhammer: Shit, that's a tough one...I'd probably go with 20 drinks a night and two girls...finally a good question.

Ok bitches, I've to to get ready to punish Cuban for not building that sausage house. Preseason? Who cares? TOTAL DOMINATION.

Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments

21. Naming the Magic

Yes, I know how to count. I'm starting off the Top 20 Moments with #21. Screw you, the Magic did it on their countdown too. I think. Anyway, we're counting down the greatest moments in the history of our dear team. I'll begin with the two men that got the Magic here. Pat "Sexual Mustache" Williams and Jim "Sexual Businessman" Hewitt. These guys decided to start a team without the league even giving us one, in hopes that the NBA would just kind of...well, have to!

Luckily it worked. A poll was put in the Sentinel, and the names were narrowed down to "Heat", "Juice", "Tropics", and "Magic". Legend says that Williams daughter indirectly picked the name when she described her visit to Orlando as "magic". Thank God we didn't ask OJ Simpson.

WE'RE BACK!

Are you gay for the Orlando Magic? Would you let Dwight Howard ram you all night if it meant a guarenteed NBA Championship? Well, you've come to the right place! And if Commissioner Stern ever decides to let that scenario happen, then sign us up.

Tonight, preseason begins for this, the final season at the O'rena (aka TD Waterhouse Center or Amway Arena to communists). We finally get to see if Vince Carter was worth it. Or see if the last post was true. Well...at least 'hear' if he was worth it. No TV pretty much the whole preseason.

But we're BACK!!! With more GREATNESS from 'Goose is Loose', 'Dennis Scotts Tattoo', 'Son of Stan', and the SUPERBLOG!

Notes From The Roast Beef Corner

Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments

Post Game Frustration (hopefully at a minimum)

...and thankfully, everyone's favorite:

Euro Talk is back! (God bless you, Otis.)

So sit back, grab a cold PBR, and get ready to have your dick blown out of your ass!

Go Magic.