Monday, April 13, 2009

Hey Boston, we made this just for you!

Dear Celtics,

Here you go...this is for you. We thought you might like it. We know, we know...why would we just 'hand it over'? We just wanted to give it to you. Yep, for free. You don't even have to fight for it! I mean, you REALLY don't have to fight for it. But we guess you figured you wouldn't have to fight for it. Please, enjoy this gift from us. For some reason, we thought you would like to have it more than us.

The Orlando Magic

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Don't Bring That Shit Here In The Dungeon...

Hell yeah! Go Knights! Don't bring that shit here in the dungeon, North Carolina A&T! What does that even stand for? Ass and Titties, I bet! Damn, that's actually a cool name for a college. Maybe I should have gone there... NO! Cause then how would I be able to stretch out my legs here in Orlando watching my kick ass (Golden) Knights! Yeah! Naaaah naaah naaaaaaah naaaah, nah nah nah nah naaaaaaaah...OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!! Yeah! I love being the only one here! Its like the team is mine all mine! Everyone can hear when I yell! It's just meeeeeeeeee!!!!

Yeah, here comes the new team! Wait--who the hell is that?

What the crap?! Why is that douchebag nerd from Family Matters playing for us?! Hey Urkel! Yeah, you! Get off the team! Who the hell are you??? Wait, I know where I've seen you before!

You're that nerd version of Eddie Murphy from Bowfinger! What the hell, man!? Come on, Speeeraaaw!!! Why? Why? Wait--that's not Eddie Murphy. Why would we recruit a fictional movie character? OH NO WAY! I KNOW WHO THAT IS!!! SWEEEET!!!!



Friday, April 3, 2009

GAMEDAY SHOWDOWN! LeDong James vs. Orlando Magic

LEBRON: Ok, here I go...walkin up to the scorers table...gonna do my signature 'chalk toss' right in front of Paul Porter---what the hell!

STUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON: Honk Honk! [shoots nose streamers]

LEBRON: Damnit, Dragon! You just shit on my face!

STUFF: Honk Honk! [thrusts belly in Lebron's direction]

LEBRON: What the hell? You stupid green--what are you anyway?

STUFF: Honk Honk! [falls off railing, lands on child]

LEBRON: That's it, wees gonna do some fightin!

STUFF: Honk HONK! [dunks over Lebron]

LEBRON: Wow, you's is high flying, my man! Now wipe this shit off my head and let's go get a beer!

STUFF: Honk Honk!

LEBRON: That's right, my man...and a hooker, too.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

This is not an April Fool's Joke: Michael Jordan Craps Gold!!!

Charlotte, N.C.-(UP1) Reports coming out of the Bobcats camp today that NBA legend and Charlotte Executive Michael Jordan craps gold!

Shortly after practice on Tuesday, Charlotte point guard Raymond Felton noticed that the team's part owner seemed a little 'queazy'. "I just finished a few layup drills when I saw Michael kind of pacing back and forth by the bleachers...[I] asked him what was wrong, cause I'm always concerned about his 'Airness'. He looked at me and he said he had to take a huge shit."

"Then he said he didn't know who I is. He don't know who any us is. He said he couldn't give a crap about this team...but it look like bout to."

Word around the locker room was that shortly after the Felton incident, Mr. Jordan was seen sneaking behind the bleachers. Some players even report that it seemed Jordan was waiting until the gym had emptied out. But, he was sorely mistaken, as SG Raja Bell saw Michael exiting from behind the bleachers zipping up his pants.

"I saw Michael come out from behind the looked like he just took a huge shit. I mean, you could see the smile on his face. It was a smile that said, 'I just took a huge shit!'"

Bell went on to say, "Well, I had to go see it! I worship the guy! I was going to go eat the corn out of it!"

Much to Bell's surprise (and the whole team for that matter, as he alerted them to his well as the janitor...and a reporter...and a Make-a-Wish Kid) when he peered behind the bleachers, he found glittering amongst the bubble gum wrappers, cigarette butts, and used condoms, a robust, shiny chunk of gold poo.

"Dude, I was, like...GOLD SHIT! This bitch craps gold!? I gots to melt this shit down for my grill!"

The rumor has been furthered after reports that just before leaving for tonight's game in Boston, Jordan was seen exiting a Charlotte Jack-In-The-Box, where he promptly snuck behind the dumpster. It is not known at press time what he did back there, but after reemerging from said dumpster, five homeless men were seen scrambling to the spot.

When reached for comment, Michael Jordan had this to say:

"Yes, I crap gold. Now get out my way before I make you kiss Raja's shit mouth."