Monday, November 9, 2009

Catman's Top 20 Magic Moments...14

14. Webber/Penny Switch-a-roo

The 1993 NBA Draft...The joy and elation all of Orlando was feeling as Chris Webber walked up on stage and shook hands with David Stern.

Shawn Bradley goes to Philly...still dreaming about Shaq/Webber destroying teams.

Anfernee Hardaway goes to G.S....huh? what? whatever...oh C-Webb here comes a dynasty.

Mash goes to the Mavs...beginning to get up from the O'rena.

Isaiah Rider to the T-Wolves...alright, let's go party! We got 2 number 1 picks and---

Wait here comes David Stern...what's he doing?

David Stern: The Orlando Magic have traded the rights to Chris Webber to Golden State for the rights to Anfernee Har---

O'rena Crowd: [Booing, screaming, countless no's and what's]

Pat Williams to O'rena Crowd: Your jeers will turn to jeers!

I was still standing about 30 ft from Pat Williams after the crowd had left angrily. I was going to get my two cents in after he was done with a TV interview. As he walked away from the interview, I yelled some angry question to him and he answered. I left in disgust.

So how'd they turn out?

14 Seasons, 4 teams.......15, 6 teams (G.S. twice)

Rookie of the Year
Runner up...................................................Yes

Playoff Best
1 NBA Finals Appearance..........0 NBA Finals Appearances

Cool Sidekick?
Lil' Penny..........................................Legal Troubles

Had A Bullet In Him?
Yes-stray in the foot................Yes-Juwan Howard in the ass

Well, there you have it! If you can't figure out who wins from that breakdown, you probably still think the Magic should have gone with Shawn Bradley. You idiot.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Calm Down...


"I heal like a young guy so I'll be good tomorrow," Carter said after sitting out the second half. "Hopefully, I'll be back Sunday. We're going to be smart about it. It's a long season. I'm feeling better now that I am walking on it."

Carter spent the second half in the trainers' room and had his ankle wrapped. X-rays were negative.

From (not really a website):

We still won. We still don't have Rashard back. It's the beginning of the season. The Magic are still going to bang your mom. And her X-rays will be positive...for a ravaging from Brandon Bass's gigantic d*#@. Yayuh.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Poetry Inaction

The stiller I am, the more everything moves in the immense vocabulary of being.
— Margaret Hasse

I guess he needs to build up that immense vocabulary so he can yell at the refs...the dog vendors...his brother...that spot on the wall...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Presenting...The Orlando Magic SUPERMEN








Sunday, October 25, 2009

Catman's Top 20 Magic Moments

15. Pulling a 'Bowie'

Back in 1996, Magic reserve Anthony Bowie found himself 1 rebound and 1 assist away from a triple-double. With the Magic up big on the Detroit Pistons, Bowie was getting some extended minutes at the end of the game. AB got a rebound with 4 seconds left and promptly called a timeout so that he could get advance the ball and try for that 10th assist.

Brian Hill was pretty pissed, and walked away from the huddle, telling AB to figure the play out himself. (After the game, Hill said the whole thing was embarrassing.)

Detroit coach Doug Collins was pretty pissed, too. So pissed, in fact, that he instructed his team to stand aside in protest against Bowie's attempt at a cheap triple-double. David Stern said, 'Great idea, give the NBA $5000.'

It was an awkward spectacle as AB passed the ball (I think to Donald Royal) for an easy layup and to complete the triple-double and cement his name in NBA history. Now, every time a player attempts to pad his stats to get the elusive triple-double, the Anthony Bowie incident is mentioned...and I could not think that is more AWESOME!

And every time a player leads a revolt to get a coach fired, I think of Brian Hill. Maybe you should think about NOT walking away from a huddle, big boy! YOU ARE NOT AWESOME!

Catman's Top 20 Magic Moments

16. The Billy Donovan Douche-bacle

Wow! Billy Donovan as Orlando Magic head coach! What a coup! Hey Billy, Billy...over here! Look at the camera! What are you looking at? Why won't you look at the camera?

Oh, that's your wife over there with Vander Weide. Boy, she looks angry. Why does she look so angry?

Billy why does she look so angry about being here in Orlando??? Did you not discuss this with your family before SIGNING A CONTRACT WITH THE ORLANDO MAGIC AND LEAVING THE FLORIDA GATORS??? That can't be why she's angry...

Wait a second...did you hear that?

WHOA, Vander Weide just farted on your wife, Billy! So that's why she has that angry look on her face. Well, Billy, I hope this doesn't affect our relationship here or anything--

[Billy and wife leave press conference and slam door]

Ok, then. Well, in retrospect...I would say that once again, we're saved by Vander Weide's farts!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Catman's Top 20 Magic Moments

17. 1995 NBA Eastern Conference Finals Game 4

During the Orlando Magic's 1995 run to the NBA Finals, there were plenty of great moments. This is probably the only one worth mentioning where the Magic lost. Well, besides the Finals themselves.

In a closely fought game vs the Indiana Pacers, the Magic are down by 2 points with about 18 seconds left when Penny Hardaway passes to Brian Shaw for a 3 pointer with 13 seconds left.

Indiana returns from a timeout and gets an immediate 3 pointer from Reggie Miller while just a couple of seconds come off the clock, sending the Pacers back up by 2.

After another timeout by Orlando, Penny Hardaway drills yet another 3 pointer, this one with a hand in his face, with about 1.5 seconds left to send the Magic up by 1.

Enter Rik Smits. Ugly ass Rik Smits. Give me a damn break.

Smits has enough time to catch the ball, pump fake out Tree Rollins, and sink a free throw line jumper at the buzzer to win the game by 1, 94-93. The Magic lose, but its one of the most insane endings to a game I've ever seen. And, of course, we beat them in the series and went on to the Finals. So F-U Indiana. And F-U Rik Smits. Video here.

Oh, and during the series, the city of Indianapolis had a bridge near downtown scheduled to be demolished. They thought it would be funny to spray paint "Orlando Magic" on the bridge when they tore it down. Well, score another one for us...the crane broke and the bridge didn't. Double F-U Indiana. And double F-U to you Rik Smits, for spelling your name weird.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Time to translate for you English speaking morons

It's a good thing for you I speak Polish....

Translation: When Gortat was a little boy there was a girl who stuck her tongue out at him. Gortat thought long and hard about beating her to death, Darrell Armstrong style. But then after a talk with his mother, he decided another course of action.

Cut to Gortat slamming teddy bear.

Cut to Gortat choking teddy bear to death.

Cut to the little girl who has aged 4 times faster than anyone staring at a Gortat Jersey.

Cut to shitty yogurt that we hope to sell on the coattails of Gortat's awesomeness.

Now watch it again.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments

18. Rookie Shaquille O'Neal calls my brother "kid".

If your a sports card collector, most likely you've heard of Beckett price guides. Basically, its a $5 magazine that tells you that Danny Schayes rookie card you paid $10 for is worth $.09 (going down). Back in 1992, when the Magic drafted Shaquille O'Neal (Blue Chips, Shazaam), Beckett Basketball Monthly wanted to jump on the hype bandwagon. Without waiting for Shaq to put the uniform on himself, Beckett photoshopped Shaq's head onto the body of Terry Catledge (Rachel's, Circus Circus) since Catman shared Shaq's college number '33'. Of course, we know who won that battle...

Getting on with it...My brother and I (Ex-Girlfriend in Bathroom-Dir.) sold programs at Magic games for years. One of the perks about being in the arena before everyone else was watching the Magic Dancers warm up in their sweatpants, as well as sneaking some autographs from players when they came out to warm up.

I believe it was probably an early exhibition game when my brother (17 at the time) approached Shaq (20 at the time) and asked for an autograph on the only thing he had...a photoshopped Catman/Shaq Beckett Basketball Monthly.

"Sorry kid, I don't sign Becketts."

We lost it because this guy just called my brother that is almost the same age as him a 'kid'! HAHAHAHA!!!

What? That was a dumb story? SCREW YOU THIS IS MY TOP 20! Although, in case you were wondering, Beckett Basketball DID issue Shaq an apology for the 'fake' cover, and quickly corrected the picture back to its original:

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments


July 7, 2003...Heart and Hustle becomes Resist and Assault. Beloved point guard Darrell Armstrong gets arrested outside a downtown nightclub (no Gortat, it wasn't Dragon Room). In the scuffle he gets charged for resisting arrest and assaulting an officer. Wait! I meant a FEMALE officer! Nice one Darrell! But of course the organization is willing to work with one of the town's most favorite players and forgive him and give him a second chance---

---nope sorry Darrell. Let us know how the weather is in New Orlea---

---oh, sorry...Dallas! Nawlins sends you to Cowboy Town. Well, enjoy the steak---

---oh, wait...damnit. Traded from there too.

See Darrell, see what happens when you do that to a woman? We'll let the Polish Yardstick give you some advice:

P Hammer: Darrell, when a woman at a nightclub wants to put you in say YESSS!!!! Next time, I'll take you to the Dragon Room and show you how me and VaJayJay pull in the tang.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Too much, the Magic Bus

If I get a new one of these after every game, its going to be an awesome season...

Monday, October 5, 2009

Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments

20. Mark Acres gets a DUI

In the young, fledgling years of the Orlando Magic, there wasn't much contraversy. As far as we knew, there wasn't any drug use or domestic violence...pretty much law abiding citizens. In fact, between Dave Corzine, Greg Kite, Mark Acres, and Scott Skiles, we mostly looked like a construction crew. And normally, Mark's infraction here wouldn't garner much notice, except that his DUI was the first news making law breaking for the team. In fact, if I remember correctly (which usually I don't) Mark's biggest ovation from the crowd came the game he returned after missing a couple games because of it.

What's Mark doing now? Well...this is verbatim from WikiAnswers:

Q-What does Mark Acres do now that he is retired?

A-He is a physical education teacher at J.H. Hull at Levy in Torrence,

Veon Lee: I am a 8th grader at jh hull middle school right now, and he just
made me do cardio without running today. He is very old and no one at our
school really know that he was a basketball player!

Well, Veon...rejoice now! You are learning from a piece of basketball history!

The Polish Machine discusses the's Euro talk bitches!

Well, well, well...look who got PAYYYYYYYYYYYYID! That's right lil bitches, now I can roll like Delonte West, you know guns a blazin, wait, why would I want to be like that thug, look at this picture. What the hell is he doing? Dancing? I'm just sitting there flexing like a stud, look at my tattoo, God I'm enormous :takes shirt off: Holy crap I'm huge :realizes writers from catman are sill in the room: ok, ok, ok...this money might be getting to my head. Man I love being a NBA stud, this is the life. Here is an off season recap:
  • Traveled to Poland
  • Did polish girls.
  • Told my agent I wanted to be paid in Polish sausages next year or just one big bar tab at Dragon room.
  • Fired agent after he laughed.
  • Got four more Nike tattoos....Fuck you Reebok.
  • Spoke to Mark Cuban on the phone, Cuban agreed to build an arena out of sausages if I came to Dallas.
  • Flew to Dallas
  • Did cowgirls
  • Did not see an arena full of sausages.
  • Left Dallas
  • Was notified that Orlando matched my offer.
  • Partied with Asians at Dragon room.

Well, I have a shitload of fan mail now that people have realized the greatness of the Gortat...let me answer a few right now.

Trainwreck: (drunk)...heheheeeeeey Gortat...i love youuuuuu. :dances like a 50 year old hooker would (somehow communicated through a piece of mail):

Polish Yardstick: Hi.

JK: um, hello Marin Gortat. I'm sorry to say this, but I was completely wasted on Friday night and I think I might have hit on you. Just want to apologize if I did.

Polish Block Party: Fag.

Delonte West: Yo, gortat, lemme hit cho up for some of dat cheese biotch. I'm gansta now and gots to protects my crib ya know! Planes, trains and automobiles!

Martin Gortat: What the fuck did you just say?

Jason from Dt Orlando: Hey gorty, remember that time I saw you in 23...I had our, wait, I mean your jersey on earlier that night. oh, I wish I woulda kept it on. Love you buddy. call me!

Polish Prince: :shakes head and throws letter in trash:

Mike from Vietnam: Hi, what will you average this year.

Polish Jackhammer: Shit, that's a tough one...I'd probably go with 20 drinks a night and two girls...finally a good question.

Ok bitches, I've to to get ready to punish Cuban for not building that sausage house. Preseason? Who cares? TOTAL DOMINATION.

Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments

21. Naming the Magic

Yes, I know how to count. I'm starting off the Top 20 Moments with #21. Screw you, the Magic did it on their countdown too. I think. Anyway, we're counting down the greatest moments in the history of our dear team. I'll begin with the two men that got the Magic here. Pat "Sexual Mustache" Williams and Jim "Sexual Businessman" Hewitt. These guys decided to start a team without the league even giving us one, in hopes that the NBA would just kind of...well, have to!

Luckily it worked. A poll was put in the Sentinel, and the names were narrowed down to "Heat", "Juice", "Tropics", and "Magic". Legend says that Williams daughter indirectly picked the name when she described her visit to Orlando as "magic". Thank God we didn't ask OJ Simpson.


Are you gay for the Orlando Magic? Would you let Dwight Howard ram you all night if it meant a guarenteed NBA Championship? Well, you've come to the right place! And if Commissioner Stern ever decides to let that scenario happen, then sign us up.

Tonight, preseason begins for this, the final season at the O'rena (aka TD Waterhouse Center or Amway Arena to communists). We finally get to see if Vince Carter was worth it. Or see if the last post was true. least 'hear' if he was worth it. No TV pretty much the whole preseason.

But we're BACK!!! With more GREATNESS from 'Goose is Loose', 'Dennis Scotts Tattoo', 'Son of Stan', and the SUPERBLOG!

Notes From The Roast Beef Corner

Catman's Top 20 Orlando Magic Moments

Post Game Frustration (hopefully at a minimum)

...and thankfully, everyone's favorite:

Euro Talk is back! (God bless you, Otis.)
So sit back, grab a cold PBR, and get ready to have your dick blown out of your ass!
Go Magic.

Friday, June 26, 2009

It's like New Year's around here!

Yes...good idea. Old Man Winter for Baby New Year. Courtney Lee is the new Corey Maggette!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Shaq Moves To Cleveland...

...But Megan Fox makes something move in my pants.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Notes From The Roast Beef Corner: Gettin Sexy with Va-JJ!

[Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex U Up" plays in background]

Yo yo whaassssuuuuup, y'alls! Did you see those Finals! Holy shit, the amount of hot ass tail skyrockets when you get deep in the playoffs...and you guys know how I love to get deep! Come on, yeah! Who's with me?!

So its time for the off-season. Its summertime, baby! Don't know if you all know, but around the NBA, I'm known as the Gynecologist. You haven't heard? Man, just ask The Polish Hammer. I've stared down more vaginas than KD Lang, Mellissa Etheridge, and my idol, Dan Cortes, all put together! Man, check me out looking through the net...if you don't get that euphemism, you're like, stupid. Sometimes, when I'm staring into a vagina, it feels like I'm staring right into a woman's soul. And then I bang that soul.

I've got the women of O-town in my damn pocket! Did you hear the cheers when I came into games this season? Hell yeah! I can miss every damn shot I take, but when the Gynecologist's name is called, your girlfriend screams. In fact, if you see your girl putting an extra pair of panties in her purse on the way to a game that you paid $200 a ticket for? You can bet she'll be wanting good 'ol Va-JJ to drop a 3 pointer in her crotch.

Here's you:

Here's what your girlfriend pictures during sex:

So all you guys that hate me? I got two things to say to you. First, you can suck my dick, douche! Second, your girlfriend thinks I'm hot. Believe me, she does. With apologies to Gortat, I'm the second most recognizable player for the Magic, behind Dwight. He's got the size, but I've got the finesse...

So check out more Notes From The Roast Beef Corner next time, yo! In the next episode, learn how I'm here to "Sexy Up The Orlando Magic".

By the way Gortat...that Asian chick in Dragon Room said she is down for the threesome. Hollaback...

Peace and Duke-y grease...
Jonathon Clay Redick

"The Soul Banger"

Friday, June 12, 2009

Euro talk with the Polish Hammer

Catman's black hole was lucky enough to catch up with Gortat after the game last night:
What the fuck is going on!!!!! Ok, I've had about enough of this shit.....[slams polish sausage against random laker fan walking by]. First Reebok and those sons of bitches try to cramp my polish style and now this? Tony fucking battie? Are you kidding me! I GOT A FUCKING STANDING OVATION LAST NIGHT! Hello, Stan, can you hear me??...That is the last fucking time I sit by Rafer on the bench. [mumbles to himself...dragon drag on.. 23, shots].

Do you fuckers know how much my contract is with Reebok? Do you? They pay me in polish sausages, that's like paying a whore in condoms, yeah I need them but come on, I only need that many because I'M FUCKING GORTAT!! There is no way I cover one piece of this beautiful flesh up, NOT ONE DAMN PIECE [removes pants to reveal yardstick, points to yardstick and yells] SUCK IT REEBOK, SUCK ON THAT!!! [Stops random magic fan on street with tatto] See! we will not be denied, uncover all of your markings, let the powers that try to opress us know we will not be squashed! [Smacks magic fan in the tatto with polish sausage]. Now run free and tell everyone!!

Sunday I'm sitting right next to stan and I'm just going to keep standing up reminding him of my stading ovation. Thank god the game is sunday night so I can hit some asian ass in between now and then. Asians love the weekend....and they love big noses. [drifs off for a second while smiling and, love, dragon, 23, shots] AHHHHH! I WANT TO CRUSH THAT FUCKING GASOL!!! God, i thought Turk smelled bad. [Runs down the street towards dragon room screaming] A STANDING FUCKING OVATION!!! FUCK YOU REEBOK!!!

Spoke Too Soon...

Son of a bitch.






Wednesday, June 10, 2009

End Of The Drought...

Finally, after about 15 years, we can shut the door on the Curse. After Courtney Lee's Game 2 Miss At The Buzzer brought back all the memories of Nick the Quick's 4 Missed Free Throws (thanks to SportsCenter-you assholes), The Magics finally won a game in the NBA Finals. Eat a dick, Kobe. Eat all the dicks.

Speaking of eating dicks...YOU Jimmy Kimmel! You and Kobe can take turns eating ALL OF THEM! Last night, Jimmy had Magic Johnson on the show...


"Whoever you're rooting for...can we agree that there's never been a worse name
for a professional sports team than the Magic? Not that the Lakers are
anything to brag about but at least a lake you can drown in, at least
there's some fear there. The Magic, why not just call them the Orlando Balloon Animals?"
"[cackle, cackle, HIV, cackle]"
Umm...Magic Johnson? Why are you laughing? THAT'S YOUR NICKNAME, TOO, YOU IDIOT! Although "Balloon Animal" Johnson may have been a better nickname for him. I'm sure after finding out that he cheated on her (seems to be a running theme with Lakers players, natch!) Magic's wife probably tied his dick in knots.

A better joke would have been:


"Hey Magic Johnson, did you know that you're talk show sucked balls?"


All I'm saying is that there's worse pro team names out there. And at least the Magic actually has something to do with Orlando. LA stole a team from Minneapolis but kept the name. I guess they were apprehensive about calling themselves the LA CheatOnWivers ( that is some comedy gold! Beat that, Kimmel!).

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I hope this pisses Dwight off as much as it does me...


"The NBA Finals are set to tip off in just hours.

Time to pick a winner.

Sorry, Dwight. Even with Jameer, the Lakers just look too strong."

John Hollinger is just like all the other anul-ists who have been saying that the Magic did pretty good in the first 3 rounds of the playoffs, but there's no way that can continue. I think they are forgetting that they said the same thing after the Magic beat Philly. "Its the playoffs, and the Celtics are a different team than from the regular season! They are too playoff experienced!" Same thing with Cleveland..."There is no way Lebron is going to let Orlando win" yada yada yada...

We took down the defending champions (yes, they didn't have Kevin Garnett, but we didn't have Jameer). We took down the highest winning team in the league and their MVP. Now, suddenly everyone is saying this Lakers team is the best ever??? Magic Johnson is blowing Kobe Bryant and asking him what it's like to be greatest player ever???

The Orlando Magic have a message for you Magic Johnson, courtesy of long-time Magic fan Johnny Cash:

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Monday, June 1, 2009

Finals Prep Sheet: How to get GAY with LA!

Hell-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO everybodyyyyy!!!!!! Being in the Finalth ith enough to make me SSSTHIIIIIIINNNNG!!!! Laaaaaaaa laaaaaaaaa laaaaa laaaaaa!!!!

Now lithen up! Let me thow you HOW TO GET GAY WITH LA! It worked for me! Lamar took a little convinthing...

But now Lamar ith all on board...tho I will demonthrate on hith ath. Come here thugarbritcheth! Firtht, you thart with a gentle rub on your favorite player'th ath. Oh...yeth! Lamar you been workin' out? I'm jutht kiddin'...I know you been workin' out.

Thee guyth, thath jutht thtep one! Now ith on to full fledged kith! You juth pull your fellow Laker player up clothe to you...and...[smooch]. Man, nothing geth me ready to thlam dunk than a nithe little pre-game kith. Luke! You want thome a dith? I thee you back there! Thorry, but once you go black you never go back! Don't you worry...cawth I got thomthin for you!

Yeah, thath it Luke. Juth let it happen. Don't rethitht it! You want to be able to thlam dunk over Rathard Lewith? Well, get ready...cause right now you between a rock and a hardplace they ain't gonna let you go! Your gonna have to fight your way out of that manwich! Fight hard, baby...fight HAAARD!

Well, I hope you enjoyed my tipth on how to get gay with LA. Whew, I am tho tired! Wait a thecond! An MVP doethn't get tired! You thee Lebron? When the going geth tough, and you think your teammates aren't giving enough to back you up? Even if your leggth give out on you at the end of the game? to...give them a little bit, too.

Oh yeah, witneth that!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Sorry Anderson

At least you can go back to your other job now.......