Sunday, May 31, 2009

Sorry Anderson

At least you can go back to your other job now.......

Opps, Sorry Nike

That's one puppet down, one to go. Your next Kobe.....

I think Lil' Penny killed the Lebron puppet


Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1995!

Friday, May 29, 2009

"There's Plenty Of Lebron For The Both Of You..."

MARV: Welcome everyone to the NBA on TNT! I'm Marv Albert here live from Cleveland with Cheryl Lewis' little sister...

REGGIE: Umm...Marv, I'm her little brother.

MARV: 'HER'??? That behemoth is a woman? You're a boy? Well I haven't seen this much much cross-dressing since...well, I can't think of a time.

REGGIE: I think everyone else can think of a time, Marv.

MARV: I'm sorry Reggie, I don't know what you're talking about...But anyway, we're all set for tonights game between some team from Disney World...and THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS, THE TEAM OF LEBRON JAMES!!! YESSSSSS, LEBRON JAMES!!! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MORE WELL PUT TOGETHER PLAYER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE NBA??? LEBRON MAY VERY WELL PUT THIS GAME AWAY WITH HIS SHEAR WILL!!!

REGGIE: Uh, Marv, yeah...Lebron is pretty good-

MARV: Pretty good? JUST PRETTY GOOD?!? Look you little dong gobbler, Lebron is a GOD!!! Can't you just IMAGINE what that body looks like in the shower?

REGGIE: Whooaa...ok let's, uh, take a look at the pre-game stats-

MARV: Yessss! The stats! As we all know, Lebron is down 3 games to 1 going into tonight's game. But you can see in his eyes...those beautiful, piercing eyes that seem as if they're staring right into your soul and saying, "hey you...get ready to be entered..."

REGGIE: Marv, are you ok, man?

MARV: Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? I'm just here commentating on an NBA basketball game like I've done all my career! What are you doing? YESSSSS!!! AND IT COUNTS!!!

REGGIE: Marv, the game hasn't even started yet-

MARV: It doesn't matter! Because as soon as Lebron James, the most unstoppable human in basketball steps onto the court-

--Pssssssssst...Hey Maaarvvv!!!!

MARV: Wha? Oh. My. God.

LEBRON: Hey Marv-baby, check out this chest! MUAH!! [blows Marv a kiss]

MARV: [catching kiss and clutching to his heart] AAARRROOOOGAAAH!!!

REGGIE: What the hell is going on?

MARV: And, now coming onto the court-and hopefully me later-is Lebron James!!! Just an exquisite specimen of basketball prowess! And, YESSSSS!! The Lebron James wins the game!!!

REGGIE: Marv, the game hasn't even started yet!

MARV: Lebron! Lebron! Over here, King!!! How about a pre-game interview!!! Oh my God I need you so bad!!! You are so great!!!!

--Hey Lebron, is this guy bothering you?

JOEY CRAWFORD: -Cause I can have him removed...then it will be just you and me...together...

LEBRON: It's ok Joey, he can stay...there's plenty of Lebron for the both of you... MUAH!

JOEY: Oh, Lebron...tonight, it won't just be the whistle I'll be blowing!

LEBRON: Thanks, Joey...I'm gonna get a flagrant foul on your ass!

JOEY: No worries...I'm not gonna call it. I'm not gonna call ANYTHING!!!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Power of the Polish Hammer

Hey this. Do you know what that is? Its Gortat's CRAP! You know what it tastes like?! IT TASTES LIKE BEING DOWN 3 TO 1!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Lebron hurts pussy

Lepuss: Ok...down by one 14 seconds left. Witness time! Better get some more chalk...nah I won't even need it the refs will give me any call I want. [drives to basket loses ball] WTF ref...don't you know I'm the MVP, I'm god's gift to basketball, I'm the king, Witness, look at me, I'm a freight train!!! [Cavs miss last shot] We home where we play rap music all game long?? Wait, what was that feeling...oh my God, my PUSSY. Whaaaaa. [falls to ground in dramatic fashion:]

Trainer: You ok King?

LePuss: Yeah, I just hurt my pussy again, if I play my best and we still can't beat these guys what the hell am I going to do. I've got to give my fans a reason. Tell everyone I hurt my pussy.

Trainer: Why don't we go with cramps?

LePuss: Ok but its more like pain inside my vaginal wall.

Trainer: Shut up and let me handle this....damn it, why can't I be on the Magic and work with a fucking STUD like Dwight.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Lebron is the King of Crap City!

Yeah, that's right...that's Stuff crrrrapping on your head Lebron. So how do the fair cities of Cleveland and Orlando match up? Let's take a look:

First lets take a look at the actual city...each has a beautiful lake.


Behold the wondrous beauty of Lake Erie! Honestly, the smell coming off this place makes my bathroom here at work seem like a field of fresh lillies.

Now THIS is a lake...just look at the beauty of the City Beautiful! See that bird? It decided to live here because it knows how pretty it would look in the foreground of Lake Eola pictures.

(not pictured: jogger raping bums)

Now on to landmarks!

Yay...The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! Yep, it's kind of cool. Its home to tons of cool rock music memorabilia. But your city can't be to great when the first thing people say about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is, "Why is it in Cleveland?"

Test: Go mention the RNR Hall to anyone...if they don't ask that previous question, I'll stop having sex with your mom. Well, maybe just for the week.

While I usually like to separate Orlando as a city from Disney World...for the sake of showing how much Cleveland sucks sweaty giraffe balls...there is no comparison. Point, Orlando.

How about other sports?

There is a reason they are named the Browns. Because they are Shit. A few of the players mothers took offense when the NFL was invented and they wanted to call them the Cleveland Shits. I don't blame them. I love mothers. Cleveland also has the distinction of being the only NFL club to never host a Super Bowl, or even be in one. Cleveland Underwear Stains.


So, moving on to our next category! TV shows based in each city:


Yes, the once funny Drew Carrey Show was based in Crap City, Ohio. I will find fault in the show for giving us Mimi Bobek. Not because I find her ugly. Because one time while getting a chubby for Christa Miller's Kate O'brien, Mimi busted into the room. My boner is still pissed off.


One of the most underrated shows ever. I loved this show growing up. I was never more excited than when I heard that for the 1995 season, Coach would be moving to Orlando, FL to start up the new NFL team...The Orlando Breakers! I'm not saying that the Orlando season killed the show, but the Orlando season killed the show. Damn, I'm gonna have to pull the "Hey, Dude" card...

Let's take a look at namesakes:


Family Guy's Cleveland Brown. Meh...


Before you call me gay (which you probably already have about 37 times while reading this), look at your last paycheck. Now multiply that by 7 million. Now add a hot model girlfriend. Now go ask your wife if she'd rather have sex with this stud than your pasty, fat ass. That's the power of Orlando Bloom.

...And finally, what famous people hail from each city?

Beloved actor Hal Holbrook. Great actor. Looks like Yoda. Good job Cleveland, producing ugly people for years!


Supermodel Giselle! What? She's not from Orlando? Well guess what?! I know for a fact that she's been to Orlando before! There's no way she'd spend 5 minutes in that shit hole of a city in Ohio! Cleveland, you are America's Armpit!!!!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Anthony Johnson, Game 3 Hero


Yeah, there the same person. No doubt.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Please just stop

The official Orlando Magic theme song for the playoffs......... is the most douchetastic song ever.

And now you know why no one respects our fan base. Do you think teams like the Lakers and Celtics produce turds like this to fire up their fans for the playoffs. And this band isn't even from Orlando, that makes a lot of sense. What, there wasn't a local band that was willing to defecate on their instruments to produce a shitty song. That's hard to believe. The sad thing is that this will probably be the most popular song in Orlando in the next few days. So thank you Magic promotions office, you once again make it a great day to be a fan. I swear, they really need to hire Dennis Scott's Tattoo to run a common sense department in this franchise.

And now, the only song accepted by Terry Catledge's Black Hole as an official Orlando Magic theme.

This makes me Blue and White Ignite..... in my pants.

Mmmmmm, so cheesy I want to make macaroni with it.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Euro talk with the Polish Hammer

Hello everyone, sorry its been a while but as you might know, I have have been busy fucking dominating the NBA. Yeah, that's right. After my heroic game 6 performance against the sixers in which I crushed it I've received a lot of fan mail, I'll answer some here:

Zach from Orlando: How big is your dick?

Polish Hammer: Zach, you are a fucking faggot.

McD from Orlando: Do you think the Magic should now trade Dwight in order to allow you to fully dominate in the fashion you have become accustom to?

Polish Price: Yes, don't get me wrong, I love D12, but come saw game 6 right?

Heather or Laura from Wall Street: Hi Gortat, I met a hot guy the other night that wants to hang with you, is that cool? (I really like him).

Gortat: If he has a boat, I am down.

Big baby from Boston: Hi Gorty, love you buddy.

Martin: What a douche.

Jason Downtown Orlando: Gortat! I went fing nuts when you dunked over those two guys, I love you!!!

Polish yardstick: I love you too, I can tell you are a good man, keep on working it like a boss.

Otis from RDV: Gortat, we are probably going to start running all personnel decisions through you, is that cool?

G spot pounder: Please send them to my dragon room address. And my first order of business is to trade that fucking ugly bitch Tyrone Lue for a box of condoms...I'm going to need them.

Ok, that's all the time I have today, but please remember that you must use the power of the dragon in order to become great. I love you all, I love America, I love Asian ladies.

Hedo Still Hasn't Found What He's Looking For

Check out Hedo's appearance in U2's new video for 'Magnificent'. Hopefully, the 'Hedo Dance' will take off like the Macarena.