The Power of the Polish Hammer

Hey Lebron...eat this. Do you know what that is? Its Gortat's CRAP! You know what it tastes like?! IT TASTES LIKE BEING DOWN 3 TO 1!

Lebron hurts pussy

Lepuss: Ok...down by one 14 seconds left. Witness time! Better get some more chalk...nah I won't even need it the refs will give me any call I want. [drives to basket loses ball] WTF ref...don't you know I'm the MVP, I'm god's gift to basketball, I'm the king, Witness, look at me, I'm a freight train!!! [Cavs miss last shot] We lost....at home where we play rap music all game long?? Wait, what was that feeling...oh my God, my PUSSY. Whaaaaa. [falls to ground in dramatic fashion:]

Trainer: You ok King?

LePuss: Yeah, I just hurt my pussy again, if I play my best and we still can't beat these guys what the hell am I going to do. I've got to give my fans a reason. Tell everyone I hurt my pussy.

Trainer: Why don't we go with cramps?

LePuss: Ok but its more like pain inside my vaginal wall.

Trainer: Shut up and let me handle this....damn it, why can't I be on the Magic and work with a fucking STUD like Dwight.

Lebron is the King of Crap City!

Yeah, that's right...that's Stuff crrrrapping on your head Lebron. So how do the fair cities of Cleveland and Orlando match up? Let's take a look:

First lets take a look at the actual city...each has a beautiful lake.

Cleveland:

Behold the wondrous beauty of Lake Erie! Honestly, the smell coming off this place makes my bathroom here at work seem like a field of fresh lillies.


Orlando:

Now THIS is a lake...just look at the beauty of the City Beautiful! See that bird? It decided to live here because it knows how pretty it would look in the foreground of Lake Eola pictures.

(not pictured: jogger raping bums)


Now on to landmarks!

Cleveland:

Yay...The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! Yep, it's kind of cool. Its home to tons of cool rock music memorabilia. But your city can't be to great when the first thing people say about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is, "Why is it in Cleveland?"

Test: Go mention the RNR Hall to anyone...if they don't ask that previous question, I'll stop having sex with your mom. Well, maybe just for the week.


Orlando:

While I usually like to separate Orlando as a city from Disney World...for the sake of showing how much Cleveland sucks sweaty giraffe balls...there is no comparison. Point, Orlando.


How about other sports?

Cleveland:

There is a reason they are named the Browns. Because they are Shit. A few of the players mothers took offense when the NFL was invented and they wanted to call them the Cleveland Shits. I don't blame them. I love mothers. Cleveland also has the distinction of being the only NFL club to never host a Super Bowl, or even be in one. Cleveland Underwear Stains.


Orlando:

Umm...


So, moving on to our next category! TV shows based in each city:

Cleveland:

Yes, the once funny Drew Carrey Show was based in Crap City, Ohio. I will find fault in the show for giving us Mimi Bobek. Not because I find her ugly. Because one time while getting a chubby for Christa Miller's Kate O'brien, Mimi busted into the room. My boner is still pissed off.

Orlando:

One of the most underrated shows ever. I loved this show growing up. I was never more excited than when I heard that for the 1995 season, Coach would be moving to Orlando, FL to start up the new NFL team...The Orlando Breakers! I'm not saying that the Orlando season killed the show, but the Orlando season killed the show. Damn, I'm gonna have to pull the "Hey, Dude" card...


Let's take a look at namesakes:

Cleveland:

Family Guy's Cleveland Brown. Meh...


Orlando:

Before you call me gay (which you probably already have about 37 times while reading this), look at your last paycheck. Now multiply that by 7 million. Now add a hot model girlfriend. Now go ask your wife if she'd rather have sex with this stud than your pasty, fat ass. That's the power of Orlando Bloom.

...And finally, what famous people hail from each city?

Cleveland:

Beloved actor Hal Holbrook. Great actor. Looks like Yoda. Good job Cleveland, producing ugly people for years!


Orlando:

Supermodel Giselle! What? She's not from Orlando? Well guess what?! I know for a fact that she's been to Orlando before! There's no way she'd spend 5 minutes in that shit hole of a city in Ohio! Cleveland, you are America's Armpit!!!!

Anthony Johnson, Game 3 Hero

HEH HEY!!! I PLAWAY GUUD!!!






Yeah, there the same person. No doubt.

Please just stop

The official Orlando Magic theme song for the playoffs......... is the most douchetastic song ever.

http://www.bansheemusic.com/musicpartners/OrlandoBlueWhite/index.html


And now you know why no one respects our fan base. Do you think teams like the Lakers and Celtics produce turds like this to fire up their fans for the playoffs. And this band isn't even from Orlando, that makes a lot of sense. What, there wasn't a local band that was willing to defecate on their instruments to produce a shitty song. That's hard to believe. The sad thing is that this will probably be the most popular song in Orlando in the next few days. So thank you Magic promotions office, you once again make it a great day to be a fan. I swear, they really need to hire Dennis Scott's Tattoo to run a common sense department in this franchise.


And now, the only song accepted by Terry Catledge's Black Hole as an official Orlando Magic theme.
http://www.nba.com/media/magic/25_Orlando_Magic_Theme_Song.mp3

This makes me Blue and White Ignite..... in my pants.

Mmmmmm, so cheesy I want to make macaroni with it.

Euro talk with the Polish Hammer

Hello everyone, sorry its been a while but as you might know, I have have been busy fucking dominating the NBA. Yeah, that's right. After my heroic game 6 performance against the sixers in which I crushed it I've received a lot of fan mail, I'll answer some here:

Zach from Orlando: How big is your dick?

Polish Hammer: Zach, you are a fucking faggot.

McD from Orlando: Do you think the Magic should now trade Dwight in order to allow you to fully dominate in the fashion you have become accustom to?

Polish Price: Yes, don't get me wrong, I love D12, but come on...you saw game 6 right?

Heather or Laura from Wall Street: Hi Gortat, I met a hot guy the other night that wants to hang with you, is that cool? (I really like him).

Gortat: If he has a boat, I am down.

Big baby from Boston: Hi Gorty, love you buddy.

Martin: What a douche.

Jason Downtown Orlando: Gortat! I went fing nuts when you dunked over those two guys, I love you!!!

Polish yardstick: I love you too, I can tell you are a good man, keep on working it like a boss.

Otis from RDV: Gortat, we are probably going to start running all personnel decisions through you, is that cool?

G spot pounder: Please send them to my dragon room address. And my first order of business is to trade that fucking ugly bitch Tyrone Lue for a box of condoms...I'm going to need them.

Ok, that's all the time I have today, but please remember that you must use the power of the dragon in order to become great. I love you all, I love America, I love Asian ladies.

Hedo Still Hasn't Found What He's Looking For

Check out Hedo's appearance in U2's new video for 'Magnificent'. Hopefully, the 'Hedo Dance' will take off like the Macarena.