Calm Down...

From ESPN.com:

"I heal like a young guy so I'll be good tomorrow," Carter said after sitting out the second half. "Hopefully, I'll be back Sunday. We're going to be smart about it. It's a long season. I'm feeling better now that I am walking on it."

Carter spent the second half in the trainers' room and had his ankle wrapped. X-rays were negative.

From SonOfStan.com (not really a website):

We still won. We still don't have Rashard back. It's the beginning of the season. The Magic are still going to bang your mom. And her X-rays will be positive...for a ravaging from Brandon Bass's gigantic d*#@. Yayuh.

Poetry Inaction

The stiller I am, the more everything moves in the immense vocabulary of being.
— Margaret Hasse

I guess he needs to build up that immense vocabulary so he can yell at the refs...the players...reporters...hot dog vendors...his brother...that spot on the wall...

Presenting...The Orlando Magic SUPERMEN

SUPERMAN

SUPER-"JUNIOR"

SUPER-"WARLOCK"

SUPER-"PEACHES"

SUPER-"JUICE"

SUPER-

Oh...COME ON COACH...CLOSE IT UP! CLOSE IT UP!!!

Catman's Top 20 Magic Moments

15. Pulling a 'Bowie'

Back in 1996, Magic reserve Anthony Bowie found himself 1 rebound and 1 assist away from a triple-double. With the Magic up big on the Detroit Pistons, Bowie was getting some extended minutes at the end of the game. AB got a rebound with 4 seconds left and promptly called a timeout so that he could get advance the ball and try for that 10th assist.

Brian Hill was pretty pissed, and walked away from the huddle, telling AB to figure the play out himself. (After the game, Hill said the whole thing was embarrassing.)

Detroit coach Doug Collins was pretty pissed, too. So pissed, in fact, that he instructed his team to stand aside in protest against Bowie's attempt at a cheap triple-double. David Stern said, 'Great idea, Doug...now give the NBA $5000.'

It was an awkward spectacle as AB passed the ball (I think to Donald Royal) for an easy layup and to complete the triple-double and cement his name in NBA history. Now, every time a player attempts to pad his stats to get the elusive triple-double, the Anthony Bowie incident is mentioned...and I could not think that is more AWESOME!

And every time a player leads a revolt to get a coach fired, I think of Brian Hill. Maybe you should think about NOT walking away from a huddle, big boy! YOU ARE NOT AWESOME!

Catman's Top 20 Magic Moments

16. The Billy Donovan Douche-bacle

Wow! Billy Donovan as Orlando Magic head coach! What a coup! Hey Billy, Billy...over here! Look at the camera! What are you looking at? Why won't you look at the camera?


Oh, that's your wife over there with Vander Weide. Boy, she looks angry. Why does she look so angry?

Billy why does she look so angry about being here in Orlando??? Did you not discuss this with your family before SIGNING A CONTRACT WITH THE ORLANDO MAGIC AND LEAVING THE FLORIDA GATORS??? That can't be why she's angry...

Wait a second...did you hear that?

WHOA, Vander Weide just farted on your wife, Billy! So that's why she has that angry look on her face. Well, Billy, I hope this doesn't affect our relationship here or anything--

[Billy and wife leave press conference and slam door]

Ok, then. Well, in retrospect...I would say that once again, we're saved by Vander Weide's farts!

Catman's Top 20 Magic Moments

17. 1995 NBA Eastern Conference Finals Game 4

During the Orlando Magic's 1995 run to the NBA Finals, there were plenty of great moments. This is probably the only one worth mentioning where the Magic lost. Well, besides the Finals themselves.

In a closely fought game vs the Indiana Pacers, the Magic are down by 2 points with about 18 seconds left when Penny Hardaway passes to Brian Shaw for a 3 pointer with 13 seconds left.

Indiana returns from a timeout and gets an immediate 3 pointer from Reggie Miller while just a couple of seconds come off the clock, sending the Pacers back up by 2.

After another timeout by Orlando, Penny Hardaway drills yet another 3 pointer, this one with a hand in his face, with about 1.5 seconds left to send the Magic up by 1.

Enter Rik Smits. Ugly ass Rik Smits. Give me a damn break.

Smits has enough time to catch the ball, pump fake out Tree Rollins, and sink a free throw line jumper at the buzzer to win the game by 1, 94-93. The Magic lose, but its one of the most insane endings to a game I've ever seen. And, of course, we beat them in the series and went on to the Finals. So F-U Indiana. And F-U Rik Smits. Video here.

Oh, and during the series, the city of Indianapolis had a bridge near downtown scheduled to be demolished. They thought it would be funny to spray paint "Orlando Magic" on the bridge when they tore it down. Well, score another one for us...the crane broke and the bridge didn't. Double F-U Indiana. And double F-U to you Rik Smits, for spelling your name weird.

Time to translate for you English speaking morons

It's a good thing for you I speak Polish....


Translation: When Gortat was a little boy there was a girl who stuck her tongue out at him. Gortat thought long and hard about beating her to death, Darrell Armstrong style. But then after a talk with his mother, he decided another course of action.


Cut to Gortat slamming teddy bear.


Cut to Gortat choking teddy bear to death.


Cut to the little girl who has aged 4 times faster than anyone staring at a Gortat Jersey.


Cut to shitty yogurt that we hope to sell on the coattails of Gortat's awesomeness.

Now watch it again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-2rhOy6r0M